


Hazardous Advice

by lostcard



Category: One Piece
Genre: Awkward Romance, Chapter 700 remix, Comedy, Dark Comedy, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Law doesn't Like Nami, One Shot, Pre-Dressrosa, Romantic Comedy, Straw Hats give Law love advice anyways, Straw Hats think Law likes Nami, True to canon, poor law
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 18:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17813405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostcard/pseuds/lostcard
Summary: While sailing to Dressrosa the Straw Hats are convinced that Law likes their navigator. Law doesn't like Nami... but that's not going to stop the Straw Hats from giving him love advice. The Straw Hat pirates giving love advice to the Surgeon of Death..what could possibly go wrong?





	Hazardous Advice

 

The Surgeon of Death didn't know how he was going to survive the Straw Hats. This was the notorious crew that had the Marines in such a state of chaos? These were the very pirates that declared war on the World Government? It seemed more like a cruel joke. The Straw Hats and their childish antics were a far cry from the bloodthirsty reputation they had earned from sailing the Grand Line. Law was having a difficult time convincing himself this was the same infamous set of Straw Hats he read about in the Newspapers. And he was losing mind little by little because of it. There was only so much this poor dark doctor could take. He should be worrying about someone stabbing him in the back, not someone trying to stick a straw up his nose! Which Luffy attempted to do eight times since they've sailed away from Punk Hazard.

True, they were due to arrive in Dressrosa in a matter of hours, but the pirate doctor didn't know how much more he could take. Even he was becoming a victim of their madness. Yes, Trafalgar Law was shortly but surly becoming an addition member to the Straw Hat family. And he would sooner kill himself than allow that to happen. After that satisfying talked with Doflamingo, they were heading into the dinning room to enjoy their morning breakfast.

Law knew right away sitting next to Luffy was a bad idea. He knew this pirate had a ravishing appetite, so of course a fight would ensue if they sat side by side. The doctor decided to sit by the woman navigator instead. She seemed harmless enough. Besides, she could probably keep her captain at bay while breakfast was being served. Sitting down between the navigator and the sniper, Law took off his hat and placed it to the side. He might be a villainous pirate, but he still had manners. His actions earned a small smile from the woman sitting next to him. The orange-haired cat thief parted her lips as if she was going to say something but was quickly interrupted by the love-sick cook of theirs.

"Here you are, Nami-swaaaaan! Your sunshine breakfast sandwich of LOVE," charmed Sanji handing her a plate of heart-shaped sandwiches.

"Thank you, Sanji-kun," smiled Nami, taking a sip of her fresh squeezed orange juice. Sanji twirled in happiness by her responds, puffing out little smoke hearts from his cigarette.

"And here's your shitty breakfast," grumbled the chef, throwing the plate at Law.

The doctor looked down at the breakfast sandwich and resisted the urge to stick out his tongue. He hated bread more than anything. The taste, the texture, it was disgusting! He knew this was his last meal before heading into Dressrosa, so he had to eat up. But he refused to stock his belly up with bread.

"I'm afraid I cannot eat this, may I please have a substitute meal?" asked the pirate doctor, bringing his plate up to the chef.

"Huh? Why?"

"I don't like bread."

"Listen here you shitty doctor, wasting food is an unforgivable SIN in my kitchen. Now you eat that sandwich before I stuff it down your throat myself!"

Law was expecting some kind of reaction, however he wasn't expecting that one from this lovey dovey cook. But instead of directing his anger back at Sanji, Law gave an evil glare at his breakfast sandwich. Bread was the real enemy here and he wasn't going to forget it.

"Oh Sanji-kun," smiled Nami. "I changed my mind, I don't really want a breakfast sandwich anymore. May I have onigiri instead?"

"Of course Nami-swaaaaan! Anything your sweet heart desires, you shall get!"

Law looked at the woman beside him in pure shock. This woman must have some kind of spell over this smoking chef. The man didn't even flinch at her sudden request for another meal. Luffy was eyeing her sandwiches but Nami handed them over to Chopper before her Captain even had a chance to attack. Within a matter of seconds, Sanji was back with a fresh plate of triangular onigiri.

"Here you are Nami-swaaan! Your sunshine breakfast onigiri of LOVE!"

"Thank you, Sanji-kun!"

If looks could kill that woman would be as good as dead right now. Law was looking at her with daggers in his eyes.

_The NERVE of that woman! To eat that in front of me after I specifically stated my hatred for bread! Unforgivable!_

"On second thought, those breakfast sandwiches do look rather good. I'm sorry Sanji-kun, I don't know what I was thinking."

"Huh? But Nami-swan!"

"I know! Wasting food is a sin! Traffy-kun, do you mind switching plates with me?"

Law was at lost at words. He was in such a state of shock he couldn't even make a sudden move.

"Hey, shitty doctor! Trade your plates with Nami-swan right now or I will stuff this onigiri down your throat myself!"

The love cook didn't have to tell him twice, he quickly traded their plates and took a giant bite of that ricey goodness. He couldn't believe his luck! Sitting by this woman was a good choice after all. Law could see her smiling next to him as he ate. There was something a little strange about that smile, it was different from the one he saw earlier. There was a little twinkle in her eye as well. Her gaze was making him a little uneasy. He tried not to think about it as he finished his meal. As breakfast was wrapping up with everyone sipping their morning tea, the crew dispersed to prepare themselves for their arrival in Dressrosa. As he left the dinning room Law couldn't help but noticed Luffy following him with that cheeky smile of his. The doctor didn't like this one bit. Before he was given the chance to escape, the Straw Hat captain called out to him.

"Hey Traffy, I saw what was going on there!"

Law could not even fathom what on earth this idiot was babbling. As much as it ate him up inside, Law gave into his pace.

"What are you talking about, Straw Hat-ya?"

"I saw what was going on between you and Nami!"

"…."

"She likes you!"

This comment just left Law in a more state of confusion. He was fighting the urge to follow Luffy's pace, but he was having trouble resisting such a tempting conversation, no matter how ridiculous it was. Why oh why was he giving in to this foolish pirate captain?

"I have a hard time believing that you know anything about women. Do you even know what it means for a woman to  _like_ a man, Straw Hat-ya?"

"I guess not. I never met a girl that had a crush on another guy before."

_Meanwhile on Amazon Lilly._

Boa Hancock had finally made it to the top of the highest mountain. Throwing her arms out wide she let out a booming scream.

"Luffy I fucking love you!"

_Back to the Sunny in the New World_

"Exactly. End of dicussion."

"Hey! I might not know a lot about women, but I know a lot about FOOD. And when someone gives you their food that means they like you!"

"Hey what are you two talking about?" asked Usopp, walking up to the two pirate captains.

"Nami likes Traffy!"

"Stop saying such nonsense, Straw Hat-ya or I will be forced to cut out your tongue."

"Oh but it's true," said Usopp, sharing the same sneaky smile as his captain. "She told me herself."

Law didn't flinch. He didn't even bat an eyelid.

"You're a liar."

"Hey! How would you know that I'm lying?"

Law narrowed his eyes on Usopp's long nose.

"Do you really expect me to answer such a stupid question?"

Usopp let out a low grumble as he blushed.

"Whatever! I agree with Luffy, she likes you! I have never seen Nami give anyone so much attention before, so she must like you! But I guess the real question here is...do you like her?"

Law was taken aback by the long nose's straightforwardness. He would never believe this cowardly fellow would ask him such a bold question. Before he was given a chance to answer, Luffy chimed in.

"Well, he gave her his food too…so Traffy obviously likes her too!"

"What? Wait a second," growled Law, bringing his hands up to retort.

"Oi, what are you all up to?"

Law looked up in dread. Now the green-haired swordsman was getting involved in this shameful charade.

"Traffy likes Nami."

Law could feel the swordman's eye hovering over him.

"Oh yeah, I saw what happened during breakfast. Nami must like him too."

"Enough of this foolishness," hissed Law, bringing up his sword.

"Traffy's right! We should stop talking about what happened during breakfast."

Law froze up for a moment. That must have been the smartest thing this monkey captain ever said in his life!

"And we should start giving Traffy advice about Nami!"

_Spoke too soon._

"Now Traffy, I know Nami seems pretty scary, but if you get on her good side, she can actually be really nice. So give her things she likes! My navigator likes money and mikans!"

"Oh and her dream is to draw maps of the world," explained Usopp. "So if you ever want to get in a deep discussion with her, just start telling her about your travels! She loves learning about the world!"

Law just blinked at them and placed his sword on his left shoulder.

_Wow. They are really doing this right now._

"And always pay for everything! Do not ever borrow money from that woman," warned Zoro. "Trust me, you will be paying debt for the rest of your life! That witch is unforgivable about her money!"

"And her favorite flowers are sunflowers," added a voice behind them.

The men turned to see the raven-haired woman reading from a history book. Although her eyes were still on the book, she was obviously in on the conversation. Chopper was sitting next to Robin with his own medical book in hoof.

"And when you give her a kiss you should lick her mouth," added Chopper, looking up from his reading. Robin covered her mouth to muffle her giggles. All the men were looking at Chopper in pure disgust. Except Law, he was in utter horror.

"Ew! What the hell, Chopper?!" yelled out Usopp, sticking out his tongue. "Where in the world did you learn that?!"

"I read it in a human romance book! Is it not true?" asked the innocent little reindeer, folding his ears down.

"No, it's true and sometimes we like a little nibble here and there too," assured the woman beside him, patting him on his head.

"Robin! Gross!" yelled Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp in unison.

Robin just giggled as she turned the page of her history book. Law shivered in terror. He couldn't believe what these pirates were telling him. He needed to get out of this situation and quick. As he turned to walk away he was push over by a whirling tornado. A whirling tornado that happened to be Sanji.

"What is this lovely sound? Is it the music of angels? Or the sweet laughter of my Robin-chwaaaan!"

"Hey, Sanji knows a lot about charming ladies," blurted out Usopp. "Sanji! Law likes Nami! What's your advice for him to get with her?"

A ring of fire encircled the blonde cook. A wild flame was dancing in his eye as he turned towards the Surgeon of Death.

"Don't look at her. Don't speak to her. Don't even acknowledge that she even exists. And stay as far away as possible from her at all times."

"Best advice I've gotten all day," replied Law as he stood himself upright, straightening up his hat and dusting off his feather collared sweater.

"That wasn't advice, that was a threat, you shitty doctor," hissed Sanji, stomping his fiery leg up and down.

"Pfff, not much of a threat," responded Zoro, crossing his arms.

"What was that, you shitty piece of marimo?"

"I said, that was a STUPID threat, you curly face bastard!"

Before the two were given a chance to have their daily duel, Luffy bursted between them and added another two cents to the whole "Nami" situation.

"I know what you should do! You should give her a big, juicy piece of meat! She would love that!"

"Um, Luffy…that's what you would want, not Nami," explained Usopp, slapping the stars out of his captain's eyes. "If you really want to give Nami a nice gift, give her a treasure map! She'll be jumping in your arms in no time."

"And don't try to get her drunk if you're trying to seduce her. It won't work," added Zoro. "The woman's tolerance for alcohol is equal to a seasoned samurai."

"Hey! How would you know that?" hissed Sanji, bringing his foot up to the swordsman's chest.

"Who am I to turn down some alcohol?" snarled Zoro, pulling out one his swords. "Besides, I was just trying to get her drunk enough to forget the 150,000 belis I owed her, you nose-bleeding pervert!"

"Yohohoho, am I just in time for a fight?" asked the gentleman skeleton.

"Great, why don't we have everyone else on the ship join in this foolish discussion?" grumbled Law.

"You're right! EVERYONE GET OVER HERE NOW," called Luffy.

"Someone call? OW!" yelled out Franky.

"Did you summon us?" asked Kin'emon and Momonosuke.

"Ah! Why am I here? What's going on?" cried Caesar, still shackled up in his seastone cuffs.

"I was just kidding!" growled Law, giving himself a facepalm.

"Oh! Ha ha! You're funny, Traffy," laughed Luffy, patting his partner on the back. Law just batted the other captain's hand off his shoulder. And with that, the Straw Hat captain caught up everyone on the current situation and asked for their advice.

"Yohohoho, well when I first met Nami-san I couldn't believe my eyes! She is such a beauty," declared Brook. "Even though I don't have any eyes! Skull joke! Yohohoo!"

"Ha ha! Good one, Brook!"

"Thank you, Luffy-san! Anyways, my advice for you, Law-san, is to find out what type of panties Nami is wearing."

"What the hell?! That's not advice, Brook," yelled Usopp, giving the Soul King a whack on the skull.

"Oh, it's not? Hmmm, I guess not. Well can you find out anyways and let me know, yohohoho?"

"Shut up, Brook," hissed Sanji, kicking the skeleton to the side. "If he's telling anyone he's telling me!"

Law felt sweat drops forming on his forehead. He didn't know how much more of this he could take.

"Ah, that woman is brute. It will take a real warrior to tame her. I advise you duel her to death and claim her as your own," offered Kin'emon.

"Naw! Just call her princess and grab her boobs," added Momonosuke.

"Why you little brat!" yelled Sanji, Brook, and Kin'emon. Before they had a chance to attack the little dragon boy he had already found his way into Robin's arms.

"Or if all fails you can always drug her," recommended Caesar.

"SHUT UP!" yelled everyone else.

Caesar just crossed his arms and let out a hissy huff.

"Well fine, don't ask for my advice then," whispered Caesar, giving them a pout. "See if I care then."

"I've had enough of this," announced Law. "I'm leaving."

"Wait bro! The best advice always comes last," called out Franky, pulling Law back into the group with his metal claw. "Trust me, I have something that won't fail. It is SUPER love advice."

"Fine. But if I agree to listen to this last thing, you must all agree to leave me be for the rest of the trip."

Everyone agreed and waited for Franky's golden love advice.

_Well I guess one more idiotic remark can't kill me._

"Well you don't have to listen, just watch and learn, little bro," explained Franky, swinging his hips side to side. "Because I what I'm about to show you no woman will be able to resist! It is Franky's SUPER dance of seduction!"

Arching his arms behind his head Franky started to thrust his hips suggestively.

"Ow! Baby! Come on!"

The dark lines under the doctor's eye intensified and his skin grew pale. He felt like he was about to throw up.

Franky turned around and started to shake his butt, earning a whistle from Robin.

_God, please kill me now._

"Hey, what's going on over here?" called out someone from the open window. It was Nami! She had just finished picking some fresh mikans and was planning to bring basket full back into the kitchen.

_GOD! KILL ME!_

"Oi, Nami is coming! Hey Traffy, this is your chance! Go talk with her and we'll sit back if you need us," offered Luffy, pushing the distraught doctor towards the door.

"Wait! Don't we need a sign? So we know he needs our help?" asked Usopp.

"Oh yeah, what should be the sign?"

"How bout he slices off his left arm if he's in trouble," suggested Robin.

"Robin! That is sick! What is wrong with you?" screamed Usopp.

"Well, if he did that we would know instantly that he was in trouble."

"How bout a thumbs down?" asked Chopper.

"Much better and logical idea, Chopper!" praised Usopp. Robin just shrugged her shoulders and looked back down at her book.

"And if he's not in trouble?" added Zoro.

"How about he waves his hat at us," offered Brook.

"Alright, Traffy did you hear that? Thumbs down if you're in trouble and a waved hat if you're doing fine," explained Luffy, giving the Surgeon of Death one more push outside the door.

Law snapped back into reality when he came face to face with the orange-haired navigator. She looked at him confused.

"What's going on in there?"

"Nothing…" coughed out Law.

"Really? Looks like someone was ruffling your feathers," giggled Nami, patting down his feathery collar. Law could feel everyone's eyes watching him from the window. He knew they were eating all this up. He needed to end this once and for all.

"May we talk?" asked Law, pulling her hands off his sweater. Nami nodded and followed Law to the ship's ledge. When they finally stop Nami pulled a bright orange mikan from her basket.

"You want a mikan?"

"No."

"Oh, you don't like mikans?"

"No, I love them!"

_Damn, it wasn't supposed to come out strong like that! Get a hold of yourself, idiot!_

Nami smiled and placed the mikan back her basket.

"Oh ok, maybe later then."

Her smile just grew as she waited for him to reply. That smile was really getting to him. For some reason he had a difficult time talking to the navigator with that sweet smile on her face.

"Um, did you enjoy your breakfast?" asked Nami, twirling her little orange curl around her finger.

It was hitting him in the face now. Maybe these morons were right! Maybe the woman did really like him! If this was true, Law would have to end this little crush right away. It wasn't that he didn't like the little cat thief. In fact, had things been different Law would be sweeping this woman off her feet without a second thought. However, the way things were it wasn't going to happen. They were in an alliance and they had a commitment to bringing down a Yonkou. There was no time for foolish romance.

"That's what I want to talk to you about."

"Great! I wanted to talk about it with you too!" said Nami in delight. Law noticed that twinkle in her eyes again.

Law let out a small sigh. This was a lot harder than he thought it would be.

"I'm afraid this cannot continue."

"Huh? Why not?"

"Because the way things are going it won't work out."

"I disagree. It will work if I want it to work."

Law was taken back by her boldness. This woman really did want him! To his horror, it was kind of turning him on! He could feel sweat falling from his cheek.

"Woman, this is not the time nor place to—"

"Listen buddy, if you're trying to worm your way out of paying me it's not going to happen!"

"Paying you?"

"Yeah! Paying me for getting you that onigiri! You think I do these things for free?"

Law choked. He couldn't believe he could be so stupid and fall into the Straw Hat's pace. Of course! It made perfect sense to him now! She wasn't giving him those onigiri because she liked him, it was because she wanted to rip him off and take all his money!

_Finally! Someone normal to deal with!_

Law was so relieved he almost gave the woman a huge hug. But of course he stopped himself, because he was a cool badass and they didn't do any of those soft ass things.

"Huh? Why is Luffy and everyone walking over here?" asked Nami.

_Shit! They're probably here to see what's going on. What was the signal for them to leave me alone again?_

Law tried his best to remember what they said before they pushed him out the door. He remembered them something about a thumbs down. He would try that.

"Oh no! Traffy is in trouble! Quick, someone do something!"

_Shit! That wasn't it! What was the other thing? Come on, what was it? Oh, the hat wave!_

Law pulled off his hat and waved it for dear life. But it was too late, Franky was already there to the rescue.

"What the hell is Franky doing with his butt," cried Nami.

"Bro! Watch me! You can do it! OW! Come on! Baby!"

Nami just screamed in horror. Law had to end this now! He grabbed the navigator and teleported them into the library. Nami fell on her knees in disgust.

"Ew! What the hell did I just watch?"

"Woman, we have business to discuss."

That's all Law had to say to snap that woman back to normal.

"Yes! I'm keeping tabs on you! Don't think your stay on Sunny is for free just because we are in an "alliance". My fees still work accordingly."

"That's fine. However, since you're charging me for certain things aboard this ship may I request a certain service?"

Nami hiked up an eyebrow. A special service may allow her to charge him a "special" price.

"It depends…. What kind of service are you asking for?"

"Keep your goddamn crew the hell away from me!"

Nami let out a small giggle. Law's hair was going all over the place. It was obvious this pirate doctor was frazzled beyond belief. If she didn't help him, he wasn't going to survive the Straw Hats. Not by a longshot. Nami smiled and patted his hair down. She grabbed his hat out of his hands and placed it back on his head, adjusting the rim ever so.

"I think it can be arranged, Traffy-kun."

**Author's Note:**

> Wahoo!! You did it!! You survived reading the fanfic! Way to go!! Hahahaha! Not sure if I can say the same about Law lol. Poor Law. He should've thought twice before starting a pirate alliance with the Straw Hats. Look forward to more silly one shots in the future! Thanks to all that read/review/give kudos! Cheers <3<3<3


End file.
